#11: National Cool Bitches Day, Stoner Carrie Bradshaw Diaries + Deep Discounts
Plus CBD 101, Clearing Up the AHA Controversy, WWE Smackdown + Products!
(Pictured: A broad, a bong, a bathtub).
Dear coven,
It’s a moon in Aries and also National CBD Day. I can never tell which of the aforementioned brought you here, but I’m going to make the assumption that you might be confused or intrigued by either.
Or maybe you just thrive off of the non-stop melodrama manifested by the life as New York’s #1 Realest Quarantine Carrie Bradshaw of Weed. I forget what happened to Carrie because by the time they made the franchise into a movie. I was too busy doing other things.
Did she find love and happiness after she got the job at Vogue or did she develop an anxiety-fueled eating disorder like everyone who works at Conde Nast?
For the record, it is not my fault. I definitely thought I was a Miranda or a Samantha or a Charlotte, but nope. I’m the 35-year-old broke writer surrounded by piles of designer shoes and samples of weed products, just trying to find love, a paycheck, and a decent apartment in all of the wrong places in the middle of a quarantine. Ugh, it’s so insufferable, I know.
Did you know rents are getting cheaper in the West Village? The downside of this is that NEW YORK is currently INSUFFERABLE right now. I just walked around the Lower East Side and some bar now thinks it’s “OK” to play THE FUCKING DOORS.
I ended up swinging by Ruffian, which I can no longer pop into for a glass of wine (especially as a single lady compared to an understandably more profitable two-top in these trying times), and had a really wonderful moment laughing with the host about how this is such a reasonable aggrievance. I’m pretty sure she wants to move upstate, too. Literally everyone can go fuck themselves who think The Doors in New York Fucking City is OKAY. NO.
Speaking of CBD and Stoners and the City, famous New York City CB diarist Candace Bushnell has been coming up in the media a lot lately because everyone wants to remember how fun it used to be in The Before Times being vapid and dreaming about how fabulous our metropolitan lifestyles would all be before everyone shipped off to suburbia and rural America afraid of COVID and the government. Honestly, after going to Hudson last weekend, I am definitely eyeballing that for my future long-term private writers’ retreat oasis next to Joyce Carol Oates and Ruth Reichl.
I’m kind of tired of being the Carrie Bradshaw of Weed and want to be the Candace Bushnell of Weed, getting that HBO royalty money for my future 401K taking care of my home in the country. Unlike Candace Bushnell, however, I would not move to Connecticut and I actually like being involved in my community, which I feel is really hard when you achieve a certain level of success in which normal people have too many lofty expectations of celebrities. I just want a guy who likes my weed rich feminist lifestyle and wants to be part of the revolution by not sucking. Is that too much to ask?
That said, I did put serious consideration into whether or not I wanted to try to get that job posting working for the W.W.E. in Stamford that I have been looking at for the last six years, thinking maybe I could do some subversive storylines in a subtly meaningful way. The good news is, it pays well; the bad news is, you’re working for WWE. “All over Sonia Deville like the world’s greatest soccer mom!” There truly is something cathartic about trash TV. P.S. 50% of WWE wrestlers smoke weed, including women, which makes sense because 51% of cannabis users are women and 1 in 3 are parents. I will never stop harping on that so judgy parents will get off my dick about being an unmarried weed slut.
Tell me: who else is going to do it? Did you find another New York City writer who did this better than me? Please, I dare you to find her. I declared this on Instagram first in 2018, then again in 2019 while I was in the middle of a dramatic break-up, and then on 42o this year. Three times: it’s officially a trend, which I should know because I was forced to write them. Who kept it the most real during quarantine in New York City on weed, everyone?! IT WAS ME.
Honestly, I’m kind of eyeing a future as Mary Higgins Clark if I’m going to write populist thrillers. All I ask is that in whichever way I sell out, that you all fully respect my desire to do so with the understanding that I will always be a punk ass bitch about it. My favorite stoned activity is playing this mental game called Scammers where I let my unrealistic daydreams take over and think about how that would look if you manifested it. Repositioned, it would be a motivational poster that says, “Dance like nobody’s watching” hanging next to a “Hang in there, baby!” motivational poster.
ANYWAY. CBD.
(Sorry, I really can’t stop myself from these tangents and pipe dreams). Seeing as National CBD Day is not a real holiday, just like National Frozen Custard Day, National Zucchini Day and International Beer Day, I have decided that I’m going to make this National Cool Bitches Day. Because you have to be a cool bitch to celebrate National CBD Day, because: 1. CBD will chill you out. 2. Can you actually be a cool bitch if you clutch pearls over people partaking of the one segment of unregulated weed that is so universally recognized as so benign that it ends up on the over-flooded shelf of reject products at TJ Maxx? NOT IN MY WORLD, NANCY REAGAN. You’ll have to take that D.A.R.E. talk elsewhere!
What is CBD?
(Pictured: Your pets are giant weed loving stoners, too).
Most people are familiar with CBD as “the weed that doesn’t get you high.” CBD stands for cannabidiol. It is derived from the hemp plant, which is a cousin of the marijuana plant, and in order to be effective, requires very small percentages of active THC (the psychosomatic aspects that get you high). Project CBD has an amazing overview on “What is CBD?" with copious amounts of information that cannot fit into a niche newsletter.
I tell people that smoking or vaping CBD flower essentially makes me have that feeling like I’ve had a glass of wine: it takes the edge off. But it’s also rich in nutrients as a supplement, has anti-inflammatory properties, can be extracted into specific physiological components in smaller cannabinoid extractions (like CBG and CBN) and is used in way too many ways that can’t fit here. Here, enjoy this educational breakdown from Leafly, then go hit have a joint or masturbate with some weed lube.
This past week, everyone was so tripped out because of yet another damning headline in the news about weed being bad for your heart. Because I am fully aware that no one reads past headlines, let alone digs into medical journals, I want to assure you that the American Heart Association actually took the time to put together a really incredible and thorough 22-page explanation about how cannabis has so many medical benefits and a long-standing universal history—but yeah, they’re not going to co-sign smoking and vaping because they’re the AMA.
To that point, they the AHA makes a really beautiful statement addressing refined policy, the removal of cannabis from Schedule 1 of the US Controlled Substances Act, the removal of barriers for funding and clinical trials, support laws and regulation that help public health response and safety, integrate laws that ensure racial and ethnic disparities are not further exacerbated, etc. I’m actually going to cut it there because the legal and medical information is extremely long, totally unchill, and counterproductive to why I smoke weed: to not read this kind of paperwork.
Unfortunately, this was all summarized as “Weed is bad for your heart” by a bunch of media outlets who didn’t seem to read the study beyond the pull quote in the release, then promptly shared by everyone on social media who also doesn’t read past articles, including professionals in the actual cannabis industry who decided to label this as “pharmaceutical propaganda.” The AMA’s biggest issue is smoking/vaping, which makes sense, so if you’re worried about it, the answer is to have more edibles and topicals. You can also die from about 50,000 other things and most everything causes cancer. The upside is: cannabis is used to treat cancer, so I consider it a real win-win as far as risky substances. Just try to buy things that aren’t garbage.
What’s interesting about this is that it notes how extremely expensive and a real labor of love to be ethical with cannabis, even from dedicated and accredited medical professionals all contributing to this without compensation or grants for this level of research to ensure that it is safe, healthy and fun for the general public. Bearing that in mind, it takes a lot of sweat, blood, tears, agricultural and medical compliance paperwork, lab testing and legal battles, life and death, so you can have a really cute vape pen or a pretty joint—and this battle isn’t over. Cannabis is political issue, a health issue, an economic issue, a cultural issue, and occasionally, an existential/spiritual issue. I’m making you learn that part before I give you weed recs, and on that note:
This is my NPR “friends and family” request to keep quality educational weed content supported by viewers like you. Please consider upgrading to a paid membership, sharing this post with a friend, throwing me some money on Venmo for my next joint, or
OMG I have so many things to say about parents, teachers, weed, marketing and culture, but I will save that for another day. Let’s talk Cool Bitches Day, better known as National CBD Day, which is today: August 8.
Weed Witch Favorites for National Cool Bitches Day
Mello CBD Sea Salt Caramels
You have to be careful with these because they’re so good that it’s easy to start stress-eating them. The upside is it’s CBD so you can’t really overdose, but it’s a far more expensive way to blow through calories than, say, getting too stoned and eating a whole box of See’s Milk Chocolate Nuts and Chews for half the price. Which is why I tend to have this as my “daily sweet treat” to help exercise control with my finances and waistline. That said, I also ate like 5 of them the other day, so judgment here!
Kush Queen CBD Bath Bombs (50% off today!)
As the resident Broad in a Bath, I will preach forever that bath bombs are the best thing ever, especially when it’s laced with CBD. Making your own bath bombs is actually super easy with epsom salts, baking soda, citric acid, CBD oil and any other oil with most of this stuff coming in DIY bath bomb making kits for kids. Of course, the whole point of buying a CBD bath bomb is that you are too busy to do this and they make great gifts.
Lady Jays CBD & CBG Flower & Pre-Rolls
Smoke ‘em if you’ve got ‘em! Lady Jays are a line of CBD & CBG flower and pre-rolls from Ladies of Paradise. Manufactured and co-branded in association with handpicked Oregon grows, Lady Jays are available in 10 pack half-gram joint boxes. Get 30% off using the code: CBDEVERYDAY
Our Treaty Broad Spectrum CBD Hemp Extract
I have been obsessed with Our Treaty for awhile, not only because it’s New York grown and in Hudson Valley (plugging my book), but also: it’s the best tasting CBD extract I have tasted. And I have tasted many. This is also why it is pricey, because it essentially craft grown, cold pressed CBD oil using essential oil apothecary blends like rose, linden and basil, or spearmint, nettle, ginseng and white pine.
Goldleaf CBD Jotter
Write your hopes, dreams, fears, or keep track of your new stoner lifestyle with this beautiful bound journal from Goldleaf!
Willie’s Remedy CBD Coffee + Teas
O.G. Stoner dude Willie Nelson has among the best CBD coffees and teas. I love CBD in coffee, period, because it is really good for neutralizing acidity and helping to maintain balance. No matter which CBD oil you decide to roll with, this is a good method for coffee or not. What’s neat about the CBD coffees is that it already comes packaged with CBD in it, so you don’t need to think about it. I also love Jane West CBD coffee and Strava CBD craft coffee.
Pachamama CBD Pain Cream
This stuff makes a world of difference in my life. It’s filled with so many goodies on top of broad spectrum hemp for anti-inflammation on your muscles and joints, including menthol, franincense oil, copaiba balsam oil, capsaicin, arnica flower extract and eucalyptus. My own grandmother and mom were like, “Stop with the marijuana stuff, Carly!” And then I made them try this, and they said, “Yeah, it’s pretty great.”
Anyway, that should give you a good starter! Hope all you cool bitches have a blessed day!
ASK A WEED WITCH
Have a question about cannabis, witch life, existentialism or nihilism, bathtubs, or whether reality is a construct? Have a cool story to share? Want to tell me about your favorite products, real life adventure, conspiracy theory, or psychic connection with ghosts manifested from your third eye? Send all your need-to-know questions to itstheweedwitch@gmail.com.