Discover more from Pipe Dreams By The Weed Witch
#24. Romancing The Stoned For Taurus Season // Saying Goodbye to Smoke and Mirrors, Hello To A Greener Earth Day.
Songs About Getting It Like You've Never Had It Before // Dope Cannabis Lubes To Love Yourself While Jerking Off On The Internet // Everything Else
This is The Weed Witch. Feeling stuck somewhere between the real world and the spiritual world? Where truth is stranger than fiction? This is a magically pragmatic, cannabis-fueled newsletter dedicated to lifestyles of the credit poor and unfamous. For the healers and dealers, saints and sinners. The stoners’ guide to living during the crumble of the Western Empire. Discover delicious edibles, healing tinctures, and holistic remedies from the natural world and beyond. Pragmatic solutions inspired by Depression Era grandmothers and time- and space-traveling mystics. Stream-of-consciousness tales, scrappy DIY craft ideas, and divine wisdom from free-thinking societal outliers, a.k.a. the weed witches. An idea sampler platter and content wildcard for your inbox.
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Vol. 24: MAKING IT WORK. Saying Goodbye to Smoke and Mirrors, and Hello To A Greener Earth Day
Welcoming Taurus Season For Four Twenty
Dates For April Flowers
Warm Up Exercise
6 Foam Rollers For Working Your Shit Out
You Deserve A Vacation!
EVENT: Avoid The Day With Me Dreaming About Hudson Valley and the Catskills in the Rockaways at Avoid The Day Bookstore
6 Foam Rollers For Working Your Shit Out
Freezing Woman/Lilith Fair Update + Thrash with OOIOO
MOVIE OF THE WEEK: Romancing the Stoned
Weed Witch FAQ
WEED WITCH LOVE SPELLS: Loving Your Body By Putting Rocks In It
Dope Cannabis Lubes To Love Yourself While Jerking Off On The Internet
ZERO-OCTANE LOVE FOR YOUR MIND, BODY AND TORMENTED SOUL
Songs About Men Giving It Like You’ve Never Had It Before
Dear bad bitches,
Before we jump into Taurus season—which kicks off on our favorite weed witch holiday 4/20—I believe everyone could use a little dose of my highly innovative grounding exercise called Primal Scream Therapy Time.
It goes like this. Repeat after me:
Oh. There it is. Yes. Exhale. Hold it—hold it—hold it. Hold it.
Now: exhale/downward dog, and crank up the Orinoco Flow. Extend your arms and face the sun, while screaming/laughing/crying “I don’t have to do it all!” #namaste
It is time to be a bad fucking bitch. Because it is Four Fucking Twenty and we are burning trees and throwing ourselves off the tower card to rebuild this goddamn coven if it’s the last thing I do!
“Carly. Seriously. You gotta focus on yourself.”
HAPPY FOUR TWENTY. Saying Goodbye to Smoke and Mirrors, and Hello To A Greener Earth Day
This is the love issue! I’m your host, Delilah. I mean, Carly. I am here to offer you love in a hopeless place and play your favorite song for this holy day of herb. All of my interludes will include reminders that you can’t love without a planet Earth, which is why I am romancing the stoned for 4/20 with an outlook towards a greener Earth Day on 4/22.
Also, happy belated Bicycle Day—which, frankly, I associate more with Aldous Huxley’s famous LSD death trip to the end of his battle with cancer than Albert Hoffman, but either way that was 4/19 and you missed it. I’d accept responsibility for not being ahead of the curve, but time is construct and who knows when you’ll read this! Please enjoy this adorable animation of Hoffman’s Bicycle Trip.
Instagram obviously isn’t a great platform for these discussions. Please go follow DoubleBlind if you’re interested in the world of psychedelics, who regularly hosts affordable programming to learn more about this brave new world in plant medicine.
In the meantime, New York has legalized! We’re looking at 18 months to two years to see this manifest in our dispensaries, which I hope will open up the doors for hopefully some dope brands, some cool businesses and bringing back people for travel.
On that note, please support the following organizations helping to right the wrongs of the past towards a more racially equitable future.
The Last Prisoner Project: Let’s get people out of jail for minor cannabis crimes and help reform the War on Drugs.
Cage Free Cannabis: Make sure your weed is doing some good to the environment, economy and repairing communities.
Cannaclusive: Calling for racial justice in corporate cannabis.
Women Grow: Creating safe, inclusive pathways for women in weed.
Here are more than 100 black-owned cannabis businesses to support. There is a long road ahead as New York gets back on its feet. I am excited to see how this unfolds, bridging together our respective communities because there are so cool products and so much knowledge to share. Shout out to Crystal Peoples Stokes, NORML, and Women Grow for really doing the hard work on the ground to help with expungements, paperwork, seminars, and connecting recreational and medical users towards a better future. (I’m still going to call New York City a shitty trash hole though because it’s like the sibling I never had to have a true, genuine love-hate relationship—but always wanted one!).
I am ready for the edibles! I’ve been thinking about these really dope red velvet space cakes I had in Amsterdam and these cools that I was able to enjoy in the park with Space Monkey. I’ve already seen some gourmet edibles trickling over and know the DIY space will be so important.
There are so many edibles in the Northeast, but also great snacks. I love all of the chefs who are doing great things, as well as artists making cool ceramics, glassware, and creatives who are making it fun to have a beautiful apothecary so you can sink into a decadent weed bath to relax all of your muscles, with a guided meditation from Suze Orman or Matthew McConaughey on your Calm app.
Just like a farm fresh egg is not a factory farm egg, and how we regulate quality agriculture through indoor harvests through rapid technological advances versus sun-grown and the Slow Food Movement approach to sustainable, regenerative agriculture has impacted the consumption of information and products. The wellness space might sound cheesy, but I like to be well. Don’t you?
“Be well!” I say, while holding up my middle finger smiling as I ride down the Hudson, narrowly avoiding accidents on my bicycle…that is currently sitting as just a frame because this is New York City and I shouldn’t have left my bicycle outside. I accept responsibility for my choices to believe in humanity, even though I am also a victim of highly expected theft, which every friend reminds me of as I say, “I know.” In the industry, that is called an “amateur move.”
Anyway, I like these from Supra Endura that I found while working on an article for SPACES Mag. They’re $25 and then you never have to buy plastic again. They also sell these at Trader Joe's for a lower quality, but cheap price of $9. And you can DIY them if you feel inclined to do a project for yourself or with your kids. Here’s three more, because eco-friendly is available at all price points: one, two, three. Please tell Amazon and Tesco to stop wrapping every fucking thing in plastic. I cry for our oceans.
Use it to cover your food so you have healthy dope snacks for when you’re stoned in the park or in the privacy of your back patio, feeling like you really did your part to get some water, sunshine, fresh air, and connected to the moment of being offline. Why not a plant a tree, or a cannabis plant?
Speaking of, growing cannabis indoors is a really bad contribution to greenhouse emissions so I’m taking a step back from co-signing on brands that don’t make efforts to be sustainable. Solonje Burnett is doing work within BIPOC communities as part of Humble Bloom for curated products.
Before I launch into that. A few things:
DATES FOR APRIL FLOWERS
*Taurus Season*: Runs from April 19 through May 20. These grounded earth signs are ruled by the bull in planet Venus that governs all things love, beauty and money. MAKE IT RAIN. Is that why crypto on the stockmarket is so bullish right now? Or bullshit. Depends on who you ask! Taurus are sensuous oxen who love to roll around in comfort, luxury and dope snacks. They want giant bubble baths and will work their asses off to make it happen.
On a good day, Taurus are my favorite people. They love pretty things, romance, spring, and “doing something just for me.” Otherwise, they can be super bitchy and stubborn, very slow and scary AF when they get mad. I have distinctly pissed off two Tauruses in the past, who I am pretty sure will never speak to me again.
If you’re in a funk, Taurus, treat yourself like a Princess because that’s the strain made for you. It’s euphoric and sedating so you don’t go around head butting everyone with your horns.
April 20: Did I send this out late? Yes. So did everyone else. I mean, just me. But any day can be 4:20 if you set the alarm on your clock to that time. Is it because I smoked weed? Or because I am an anxiety queen? Is there a difference? To be fair, we did have a pandemic, and are doing our best here to stay chill and get back to work. Please try not to be too hard on yourself, because I am a forgiving mood. If you’re New York, you will likely smell it everywhere, including Prospect Park in Brooklyn and Washington Square in Manhattan, presumably with an enormous performance blunt.
April 22: Earth Day! Please go plant a tree because you just burned so many on 4/20. Holy fuck, are you as freaked out as I am about climate change? Please get your friends who have shitty purchasing decisions to stop making them so often. Thank you, love Planet Earth. Here are 11 foods you won’t get to enjoy anymore unless you fight for their existence.
April 24: It’s the anniversary of my book coming out in a pandemic! Yay! I will be doing an event with Avoid The Day Bookstore for Indie Bookstore Day in the Rockaways. Come hang out and socialize in the real world, and learn about all of my favorite getaways in Hudson Valley and the Catskills—two places I look forward to enjoying this year! Coincidentally, this falls exactly one day after World Book and Copyright Day. Go figure.
W A R M U P E X E R C I S E
Ok, everyone. I want you to try taking a DEEP breath. Bend over, reaching towards your toes.
Are you doing it? Are you? No? How about now?
Have you gotten out of bed today? OK. Good start.
Can you see your toes? How far can you reach? Just give it a try.
Not today? OK. You may be depressed. I’ll get back to you later.
If you touched your toes three times since I first suggested it, you may have anxiety.
If you can’t stop thinking about touching your toes and overanalyzing why you’re not doing it and forming a post-doctorate research paper on the history of toe touching and why it’s problematic, you might have anxiety and depression.
If you are totally fine, maybe you have a really good therapist, cannabis strain or pharmacological medication. Congratulations!
The bigger question is: what are you avoiding?
For me, it’s me! And this newsletter! It’s hard!
There are so many products right now that I feel crushed by the weight of capitalism because I love the planet so much that it’s all that matters to me. I want to take 90% of whatever is being sold right now and just hurl it into outer space, along with the people who created it while wasting our precious natural resources on fucking garbage. I also don’t like communism. Honestly, I just think barbecue should be a religion and let’s call it a day. More on that another time.
Everyone says I’m too sensitive and overthink things, but it’s because I’m a giant snob who loves really good produce, comfy beds and cuddling. I love secret gardens, linen fabrics and skinny dipping. I love spas and baths. I hate droughts because they impact of these things, which is predicated on the aforementioned too much bullshit problem.
Now that I have that out of the way, let’s discuss a few things.
First: the mission statement I made over a year ago when shit went FUBAR and 30,000 people died and 400,000 of you fuckers left New York.
No better time than the present to consider tempering the harsh cruelties of the world than engaging in a cannabis-fueled, existentialist-pragmatic, post-modern newsletter. Lets inject a little pragmatic magic realism into this fire tire, shall we? Some whimsy and weed? Survivalist tips as we hurtle towards an uncertain future, long-form stream-of-consciousness writing for professional amateurs and deviants. Or whatever.
The Weed Witch is a psychic guide to magical living in the Age of Death. For the lifestyle rich succumbed to becoming credit poor. Or rather: lifestyle poor and credit poor, but in good spirits! It’s like if Martha Stewart and Ina Garten had a stoned Depression Era baby raised by M.F.K. Fisher, co-parented by the ghost of Copernicus, bedazzled like a drag queen, but righteous as a riot grrl. Entertaining and useful — the best of all worlds!
So, if you’re feeling stuck somewhere between the real world and the spiritual world, where truth is stranger than fiction, this is a magically real, cannabis-fueled newsletter just for you. Lifestyles of the credit poor and unfamous. For the healers and dealers, saints and sinners. The stoners’ guide to anti-GOOP living during the crumble of the Western Empire. Discover delicious edibles, healing tinctures, and holistic remedies from the natural world and beyond. Pragmatic solutions inspired by Depression Era grandmothers and time- and space-traveling mystics. Stream-of-consciousness tales, scrappy DIY craft ideas, and divine wisdom from free-thinking societal outliers, a.k.a. the weed witches. Updates from myself and the 57-year-old lesbian I am quarantined with as we just try to stay alive. An idea sampler platter and content wildcard for your inbox.
I no longer live in Brooklyn with Nadia, but I learned so much from her during that time. She is the kind of bad ass bitch who shows up and gets it done. A former chef, massage therapist, and climate activist. Last year for Earth Day, we made seed bombs and drove them around Brooklyn, throwing them into random empty lots.
We got really into the CSA and sending each other recipes. Even during lockdown, I turned her vintage bathroom into my personal little bath enclave with fresh eucalyptus, bath salts, and lavender scrubs. I understand when you’re too busy and want to just buy a quality product, but also it can be rewarding to make things yourself.
Over the past few years, I learned gratitude and humility again after being taken in by a lot of people—particularly the hospitality industry. This is an industry that really takes care of its own, and why I was attracted to folding these experts into the cannabis space. There is so many educational opportunities ahead, particularly with medical patients and ensuring a quality product. Admittedly, I hate working in restaurants, but I love to support the people who are there. You deserve to be celebrated. Well, some of you. Some of you suck.
To me, these are industries of compassionate care at their core—even beyond the drama. I love the fact there are old and young people in this industry, and am excited to help share some more of these stories I am passionate about.
Listen: last year was fucked up. I understand how challenging it can feel to keep up appearances, reclaim your sense of self after losing it all. I’ve done it a few times and it sucks starting over. It is easy to make wild assumptions about others, people who have never experienced housing insecurity, trying to save face, or look for someone to blame because they’re terrified about losing what they have. There are also lots of ways to make money that are unethical and shitty. Everyone was impacted in some way emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially, and if you weren’t, you’re probably a sociopath.
Going through transitions is pretty normal, actually. A lot of people my age and younger quietly went home this past year. It sucks starting over, or losing your business. I freaked out on a lot of people, and in turn, a lot of people freaked out on me.
I didn’t have a home to go to, so I don’t feel embarrassed that I ended up with Nadia. I feel really lucky. To have gone through that experience with a complete stranger who reminded me that you may have to adjust again and again in your life to make it work. Sometimes we’re down on our luck, and other times we make it rain. This was the first year I really had to learn about money management, and I learned it the hard way. I am hoping to share some of those folks with you. Finding an apartment in New York sucks, so ending up with her was a real karmic gift.
When you get gifts from the universe, you pay it forward. During that time, I started making some edibles for a friend who had lupus. I tried to make some fun recipes with potza balls, while also brushing up with medical research because the science moves so fast.
Also? I got the gift of disconnecting. I miss the simplicity of living with her because we mostly just listened to NPR, rarely watched television, and I appreciated being so close to Prospect Park—where I will be joining BreadxButta for her celebratory smoke out in the park. Hooking up my stereo again reminded me of the joy of smoking a joint, listening to my favorite tunes, cooking a nice meal, and trying not to record every second of it. That’s how we should all live.
I feel optimistic because work is already starting to manifest for me in meaningful ways. I hope you feel that way, too. Mainly, I have been inspiring myself again thinking of all of the people I’ve written about in the past, like Caitlin Rose Sweet and Sibelley Yuksek—as well as all the folks I have yet to write about or acknowledge. The one where I was just inspired by the art, whimsy, community and sense of culture. I hope over this past year you have been able to find some tips that have given you some positive inspiration.
There are always realistic challenges ahead, so I want to offer a pragmatic approach. Ways that are grounding, accessible and possibly inspiring. While also making fun of myself a little bit, even if I’m the only one laughing at them. Creating a more connected sense of community as people feel encouraged and safe to return to New York for a visit or a new life—as well as connections that make it safe and inspiring to travel elsewhere. Visiting Seattle, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Maui, San Francisco, and other places always reminded me that I loved discovering lesser seen enclaves and finding cool products that provided a taste of local culture.
I’m the kind of person who loves to pick up local salt and terroir, so my perfect day in Montreal, for example, was getting bagels at St. Viateur, some cannabis at their dispensaries, exploring the city and picking up Newfoundland smoked salt at the Jean Talon Market. It makes me optimistic to think of our borders opening up, and sharing this space with other locals is the way I’d like to help bridge communities again. I am excited to hear from other people about what excites them in their cities.
Being on the go all the time can make you feel lonely, so it was actually really nice having the opportunity reground myself by living with Nadia. Remembering the simple pleasures of a home cooked meal. Her kitchen was a place of warmth and light, and even being trapped in lockdown, unsure of where to go. Looking back at last year, I realized I was so busy creating, producing, volunteering, and struggling to communicate with the people in my life because there is so much I love that I want to save it all. But there are new things percolating, too.
Sometimes what seems like it is success can actually tear us apart.
There’s a scene in a 1999 episode of the VH1 show “Behind the Music” about the band TLC that has stuck with Ms. Kardashian West. It’s a monologue by Lisa Lopes, known as Left Eye, about money:
“This is how a group can sell 10 million records and be broke, and everyone get ready to do your math. O.K., there are 100 points on an album. TLC has seven. Every point is equal to 8 cents. All right, seven times eight is 56 cents. That means every time an album gets sold, TLC gets 56 cents. Sell 10 million records: $5.6 million. Seems like a lot of money. Well, it’s not a lot of money when the record company has spent $3 million to record your album” — and they had to pay back those costs.
I don’t want Kardashian money. I want a Village Voice. The one that is scrappy. And is still in New York—not Irvine, California. The one where I can still shit on The Doors because The Velvet Underground was better. By the way, what the fuck is that Village Voice?! Save your Venice Beach trash, Cali Sober! We’re still salty Sour Diesel New York as fuck over here!
In the meantime, I am proud to share that a couple projects I worked on recently are on the way out: I will be featured in Tracey Medeiros’s book “The Art of Cooking with Cannabis: CBD and THC-Infused Recipes from Across America” coming out this May, as well as Josef Reyes’ Day + Night Vol. 2 TBD!
If you’re interested in collaborating. or sponsoring, please hit me up at firstname.lastname@example.org.
PRIMAL SCREAM THERAPY
Are you feeling stressed out? Why not try primal scream therapy?
Back in college, I used to demand that my friends with cars drive me around. I still do this because I am an entitled New Yorker without a car. But at the time, I was just an entitled Chicagoan. Or an entitled Millennial. Or an entitled single child syndrome. Or whatever piece of shit entitlement is the one where you live, laugh and love without abandon(-ment issues).
Either way, at the time, no one was very upset. After all, cars symbolize throwing caution to the wind in search of freedom, speed, the open road, etc. But if you’re feeling pent up, sometimes you need a good ol’ fashioned scream into the void. So I developed a very magical ritual in my book of spells! Here it is:
Primal Scream Therapy 101
Put on the local Top 40 radio or a curated playlist on a very old 2nd generation iPod or DiscMan.
Roll down the windows.
Scream at the top of your lungs “FUCK YOOOOUUUUUU FUCKERRRRSSSS!!!!!” (dealer’s choice) until crying/laughing/voice going raw.
Drive really fast on a long highway with wind whipping through your hair, around a city where no one gives a shit, through an endless stretch of cornfields—just throwing your toxic, pent-up energy into the nothingness of the universe. Somewhere it won’t harm anyone, because you’re tired of carrying it.
Well, I have some good news for you: spring is here and it is time to GET THE FUCK OUT. I know we are dreaming of European getaways and trips across the border—some of you have already been doing this, and I am anxious to get back to France, where I like having my little pied-a-terre, reading poetry, practicing my French, picking up small snacks, affordable glasses of wine and cheap clothes at quirky concept shops and the Monoprix because it doesn’t matter what you get in France—it’s all French.
That said, you’re not going that far. But….
YOU DESERVE A VACATION!
Doesn’t taking a vacation sound so dope right now? Spring is in the air, with cherry blossom season just around the corner and another Hot Melting Girl Climate Change Summer ahead! Holy fuuuuuuck.
Why not treat yourself to my New York Times best selling, Pulitzer Prize winning travel guide and Cannes Film Festival highly anticipated adapted film, “Easy Weekend Getaways in the Hudson Valley & Catskills”?
Where do you want to go? The Love Shack? It exists at Kate’s Lazy Meadow. It’s featured in my book and owned by Kate Pierson of The B-52s. I want to go there. I’ll be dressed like both Cindy Wilson and Kate Pierson, but probably talking like Fred Schneider.
I’m supposed to remind you not to smoke cannabis and drive, or advise you on how to properly consume or where. Honestly, this should just constitute “common sense” but I’ve also read a lot of local papers where “Florida Man Does Bath Salts; Becomes Cannibal” New York Post updates, so I guess every thing will continue having “a conversation about cannabis” so that your cannabis will sound as clinical as trying to get your fuck on by using an instructional manual from your Health Ed class.
Yes, things are weird right now, but common sense still abides. If you’re going to a winery to do a wine tasting, you understand that you should know your limits and have a designated driver. Just like if you are going to a sculpture park and want to hit your vape pen or microdose, it’s up to you to know your limits by experimenting in a safe place at home ahead of time and not driving stoned.
Stop overthinking it, it’s not that scary.
6 Foam Rollers For Working Your Shit Out
Do you have a very basic $20 foam roller to put on your IT band? You might want one because chances are your muscles may be very tense since giving up on going to the gym and running for an hour while watching Law & Order SVU—just like in The Before Times. How does that feel?
In the meantime, here’s an edible, a drink, a breathing technique, a fine cold-pressed juice, and six foam rollers to work your shit out.
Coolest Looking Cosmic Galaxy Foam Roller: Gimme 10 Galaxy Myofascial Trigger Point Release Foam Roller ($23.99)
Old School Foam Rollers for Only the Tightest Soft Curls: 56 Pieces Foam Soft Sleeping Sponge Hair Rollers ($16.99)
A Cirque Du Soleil-Style Whimsical Foam Roller: Asoulin Yoga Wheel for Back Pain & Stretching ($26)
TRIGGER POINT WARNING: Foam Roller Mega-Bundle For Every Type of Trigger Point: Invincible Fitness Foam Roller Set ($28.99)
Foam Roller AND Vibrator For Those *DEEP, DIRTY, ACHING PAINS* Desperate Release UGHHHH (Bonus: Looks Like An Old School Composition Notebook): FITINDEX Electric Foam Roller 4 Speed Vibrating Yoga Massage High-Intensity Massager Roller with Rechargeable Function ($59.99)
I Can’t Believe It’s Foam Rolling? Foam Rolling For Dummies ($25.99)
Freezing Woman/Lilith Fair 2021 Update
I’m actually not organizing Freezing Woman or the return of Lilith Fair, but I’m really into it because Liz Phair is back and KD Lang’s new album means the ‘90s really are back! Plus, it’s a St. Tropez Mix! Where’s Sarah MacLachlan and the coterie of abused animals to cry over? Natalie Merchant and Tracey Chapman? Good thing I made a playlist for that! Meredith Brooks’ “Bitch!” Heyyyyyyy! Let’s rage our periods at karaoke and throw our bloody tampons into the audience like L7 and no one will like us for 20 years until some random kid finds it and thinks it’s bad ass.
Anyway, um, so I forgot about this because I was really depressed trying to figure out the space-time continuum, but Ani DiFranco was playing The Winter Hoot back in February when I was having my regular seasonal depression on top of the COVID depression and foundational trauma depression, along with a bunch of other people from around the world.
Ani technically wasn’t my particular breed of angsty Lilith Fair lady (I preferred Tori and cornflakes as a breakfast item and metaphor), but I have mad respect for her. They were generous enough to put it on YouTube in case you want to watch it, but hopefully you can attend for the summer version at The Ashokan Center.
By the way, Japanese noise band OOIOO is back in case you are more of a trash queen like me. I like both: to thrash and love!
MOVIE OF THE WEEK: Romancing the Stoned
Now that’s out of the way! Let’s talk about “Romancing the Stone,” an ‘80s adventure-rom com starring a vibrant and youthful Kathleen Turner (who is stunning in “Serial Mom,” by the way) as an imaginative successful romance writer living a single cat lady Upper West Side dream in New York City, hurling plate ware into her fireplace while still holding out hope to find a leading man in her tearjerker novel of life.
Of course, meeting her soulmate means leaving New York City because the pickings in this 8.6 million person city are slim. So, she goes to Cartagena, Colombia, where her dipshitty Carmen San Diego-type hustlin’ sister is being held hostage by Danny DeVito over a treasure map and stone. (It was the ‘80s, so she had to physically go there. The internet wasn’t very good).
She needs to elicit the help of Michael Douglas and a bunch of alligators to save her. What a fucking nightmare. There’s a scene where they discover a cargo plane filled with marijuana, liquor and an issue of Rolling Stone back when it was worth reading. She’s ravaged by a torrential storm and her shirt becomes unraveled. Without any of her belongings, she realizes it’s on her, him, and this goddamn crazy adventure called life.
“Oh, you smoke it?”
“I went to college...”
I won’t spoil the rest, but this movie is amazing, and you should watch it stoned. I hope you will be as romanced as I was until I read that Michael Douglas and Jack Nicholson once had a wager on who would be the first to bed Turner. Wonderful.
Weed Witch FAQ
Where’s the weed, Carly?
Ah. yes. Cannabis. In my overgrown garden of various topics I have covered, cannabis had become somewhat of an invasive species taking over the ecosystem of my entire life. I prefer biodiversity, which is why I like a sampler platter for freaks of nature. Also, why I have taken a break this month.
Are you OK?
Yes, I am fine, but leave me alone.
You don’t sound very chill though, do you?
I have never been chill. I hate chilling. It makes me want to throw up. I pay a woman to help me learn how to breathe every week and that is how most New Yorkers operated until we were forced against our wills to slow down. This is why I live in New York. Everyone is unchill here. You get your money, be unchill, figure out where you are going to be the most chill, then go there to die.
Should I move to California?
No one in California is chill. They wear toe socks at the SFO airport in the terminal outside the yoga chapel, even pre-COVID. Los Angeles sounds like the beginning stages of Terminator 2. Calistoga is the place I once spent $150 for a day spa experience only to leave the parking lot highly incensed with a “Slow Your Roll To A Zen 15 mph” sign waving goodbye. In New York, the disaffected receptionist will ask if you got enough botox in your face before you walk into a sewer street to immediately ruin your facial and no one cares. In Las Vegas, you detox shitty screwdrivers before re-entering the smoke-filled casino and drying out like it’s Mad Max around showgirls and social media influencers. Chicago has some amazing spas hidden away but it doesn’t matter right now because poor saps with vaccinations keep showing up with suitcases and dreams to make TikTok videos, get their hearts ripped out, and you roll your eyes, saying, “What the fuck did you expect?”
Listen, the space-time continuum is broken. We’re all just doing our best and everyone’s going to be tormented and elated forever. Work on your immune system!
WEED WITCH LOVE SPELLS: Loving Your Body By Putting Rocks In It
Several years ago, a friend made me get one of those yoni eggs—not because of Gwyneth and GOOP, but rather Kim Anami—the vaginal weight lifter best known for hoisting surfboards and chandeliers with her snatch. I ended up trying it exactly one time, realizing I had an overpriced piece of jade that is useful for a very specific type of kegel exercise, and now it exists blessed my divine yoni energy, amethyst and purifying quartz in the unnaturally biodiverse Three Sisters Aero-rock-garden of my tiny studio. The end.
Maybe you need a little love spell to bewitch yourself with the kind of love you want for yourself and everyone else. And that’s why you’re here. At least I am! SundayMondayTuesdayWednesdayThursdayFridaySaturdayyyyyyyyyyyy. Yes. Roll those hips, whip that hair. You get your goddamn self!
Now! That’s What I Call Weed Witch: LOVE SPELLS
As a gift to you, I have made a playlist of songs of love to combat all of those feelings of hate in the world and against yourself. I basically did a search for love songs and all of them felt right. The exception being the first song that’s a witch song.
It is love journey to the center of your heart from another galaxy. I am bewitching you with Psychic Pisces Love Charms. I think there’s a real “something for everyone” vibe going on here.
And if not, go fuck yourself. Preferably using the following lubes:
Dope Cannabis Lubes To Love Yourself While Jerking Off On The Internet
Are you bored with jerking off on the internet? Are things feeling a little “dry” lately? Why not try these wonderful weed lubes that will keep your bits as stimulated and uplifted as your brain!
Whether you’re banging a gong to get it on or dry as a desert in need of a drop of water, lube is your friend in a time of need. Vaginas and vulvas receive the most benefit from cannabis lubricant, preferable for foreplay, whereas penises just get some regular lube (never a bad thing). Anal stimulation is a little less, but it never hurts to spice things up.
It’s also useful as a suppository, particularly for those who are prone to dryness or might have other health-related needs like peri-menopause and menopause. I KNOW. IT’S A FUCKING THING AND IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN. Why is this thing still a medical mystery? I don’t know. But the Gen X are sending me warning signals from the future after all of them have now gone through IVF or accepted their child-free lives and uncertain future hoping we all die peacefully in our sleep and not going through late-stage dementia, and it scares me to know what lies ahead, just beneath the murky waters.
Either way: just keep in mind that it’s not compatible with latex, just in case you plan to use condoms or have any latex-based toys.’ Also, CBD lube will not get you high. But some of these compounds have natural enhancements that are safe and stimulating enhancements.
Make sure what you’re putting inside you or your partner is worthy by reading the label!
Check that it’s third-party tested for pesticides
Is the product is free of trace metals?
Does it contain mostly organic materials? You should understand what they are made of, using US or Canadian grown hemp. Our stringent growing policies—while a super tedious process and more expensive—are often better in the long-run to ensure public safety.
Bliss Intimate Oil by Ananda Hemp ($39): I’ve tried a few weed lubes, and this is one I definitely can get down with. The smell is quite dope, and so are the 250mg of active full spectrum hemp with extra natural stimulants like cacao seed butter, peppermint, and black pepper.
The Quickie Kit by FORIA Pleasure ($44): This is an amazing sampler platter of CBD lube, including 15ml Awaken Arousal Oil (approx. 15 uses), 15ml Intimacy Lubricant and 2 Intimacy Suppositories. So, if you’re trying to go around the world in 30 pumps or less, this is a good place to start. Couples report that the THC version will get you high—so the downside is that the CBD version won’t. (Knock on your partner’s wood that federal legalization will help erect some bridges across state and your body’s Mason-Dixon lines). But it smells great and it’s a quality product you can trust putting inside of you.
Water-Based CBD Lube from Kush Queen ($49.99): First of all, I love Kush Queen Olivia Alexander. As a true Broad in a Bath O.G. bathfluencer, I am a huge stan for the Kush Queen bath bombs (Love Potion #9 is clearly the fitting winner for the month). But she’s also got a few other tricks up her sleeve—including this water-based CBD lube that you’ll want up yours. Because it’s water-based, it has the bonus of being safe for latex condoms! Hooray!
ZERO-OCTANE LOVE FOR YOUR MIND, BODY AND TORMENTED SOUL
Given that I am holding my “purification not intoxicated” stone of birth, I cut out a lot of alcohol this past year, because my body can’t handle it. The upside is that I’ve lost a lot of weight and now understand the complaints of some of my friends who were recovering alcoholics, pregnant, or just made some life changes, and the feeling of craving normalcy and flavor. I am also going to dye my hair because I have ran out of fucks to give. Here are a few things I’ve been enjoying:
Optimist Drinks: An alcohol-free spirits company based in Los Angeles making delicious botanicals that add excellent flavor to mocktails or low octane cocktails. I made myself a Love Potion #9 with kombucha, an iced tea blend, seltzer, and a splash of their BRIGHT botanicals.
Marz Elixirs CBD Botanical Seltzers: As a noted bubble queen who likes my water as sparkling as my personality, I appreciate these full-flavor drinks with decidedly Bowie edge. The Juniper Fizz is like a G&T in a glass without any booze and a little CBD to take the edge off, using all-natural hemp grown in the Midwest from Chicago Cannabis Company.
Kombucha. In all of its forms and flavors.
Four Sigmatic Mushroom Hot Cacao Mix With Reishi: Many moons ago, I did a story on mushroom coffee that never published, but I remember immediately laughing the whole trend off as distinctively “an L.A. thing.” I said, “As long as it tastes good, no one will care and will love it.” I am proud to announce that this stuff is dope. If you like high quality hot cocoa that tastes like something real and has a dose of some benefits, too, then this is the instant mix you’ve been waiting for. It’s safe for you, tastes good, and if you need to feed your kids it, it costs more than Swiss Miss, which will teach you and them to remember how to be prudent: to watch your limits, drink slowly, and appreciate time and quality as money.
Carly’s Brain on Iced Tea (see below)
Carly’s Brain On Iced Tea
In an iced tea infuser like this, portion as follows:
Brew water. Infuse for 10 minutes. Remove and discard tea leaves. Chill. Serve over ice. Mix with kombucha, seltzer, or a non-alcoholic spirit to add flavor. Garnish with edible dyanthus flowers made in your Aerogarden.
LOOK GOOD, FEEL GOOD
Rose petals: Antioxidants proven to protect your body from cell damage and reduce the risk of heart disease, diabetes, obesity, and cognitive diseases.
Chamomile: Good for chillin' TF out with R&R. Reducing menstrual pain, diabetes, blood sugar, inflammation, preventing cancer and treating cold symptoms.
Honeybush: Anti-obesity fat fighter packed with antioxidants good for your immune system, respiratory system, and relieving menopause.
Schisandra: Used in Chinese medicine and Russia known for adaptogenic resistance to disease and stress, increasing energy, and increasing physical performance and endurance.
Songs About Men Giving It Like You’ve Never Had It Before
As a grand finale to this newsletter spectacular: just in case you needed some inspiration about giving it to yourself like these guys want to!
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