#3: Surprise! You're still living in a dystopian nightmare!
No foolin' today! Seriously beautiful cannabis tips for the beginning of 4/20 to help you live, laugh and love during desperate times
This is The Weed Witch. Feeling stuck somewhere between the real world and the spiritual world? Where truth is stranger than fiction? This is a magically pragmatic, cannabis-fueled newsletter dedicated to lifestyles of the credit poor and unfamous. For the healers and dealers, saints and sinners. The stoners’ guide to living during the crumble of the Western Empire. Discover delicious edibles, healing tinctures, and holistic remedies from the natural world and beyond. Pragmatic solutions inspired by Depression Era grandmothers and time- and space-traveling mystics. Stream-of-consciousness tales, scrappy DIY craft ideas, and divine wisdom from free-thinking societal outliers, a.k.a. the weed witches. An idea sampler platter and content wildcard for your inbox.
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From The Desk of The Weed Witch
April 1, 2020
Dear Witch Nation,
Happy 4/2020, witches! Get your pot leaf paraphernalia out and drown out your sorrows with “No Woman, No Cry” on repeat, or whatever you tend to lean on musically/culturally for your personal cannabis coping aesthetic during these tough times. I recommend not listening to Tracey Chapman’s “Fast Car'“ or literally anything from Sarah McLachlan until you’ve had at least enough weed/irony to remember having a sense of humor and laughing at the audacity of how over the top those ASPCA commercials always were. I’d link to you, but there aren’t enough trigger warnings in the world for that shit right now.
Also, ICYMI: I made a pleasant little springtime playlist for y’all last edition NOW! That’s What I Call Weed Witch Vol. 1 for all the romantic witch babes that could use some uplifting tunes.
Today is a bit of a mega-newsletter, which requires an apology for the delay. But to my paid subscribers only . The rest of you cheap bastards get zero apology — and I’m beautiful! That’s what my 57-year-old lesbian roommate Nadia says I need to say every time I apologize, by the way. “Sorry — and I’m beautiful.” It’s so fucking uncomfortable to add in the “and I’m beautiful” part. It’s like am I undermining my insincere apology or myself as a beautiful, strong, independent, fierce, crazy-sexy-cool woman? Also, what if I genuinely mean the apology? Anyway, I am only sorry for disappointing the paying customers.
If you’re feeling some sort of attached financially secure guilt for not paying for content: good. Cough it up, pay pigs! I’m going to need all the money I can get. How else am I going to pay for going to the luxury medical stay aboard USNS Comfort or COVID hospital glamps in Central Park?
By the way, those horrifying makeshift hospitals are being erected by noted Glory to God anti-LGBTQ and Islamophobic bigoted Evangelical preacher, Franklin Graham, who is really keeping the family hate in the name of Jesus tradition alive courtesy of dear ol’ dad, Billy Graham. If the unrighteous are sentenced to "everlasting punishment in hell," as suggested by his website, then it sounds like I have already arrived.
On that note, let’s discuss cannabis, coping with reality, and laughter. So there’s some good news and bad news. Let’s start with the bad, because I love to end on a positive note.
The bad news about living through a horrible fucking pandemic is it sucks and there’s no way around it. Are we going to live or die? Well, we’re all born to die and hope every day it will be in the most painless way possible under the best circumstances. “No one expects the Spanish Inquisition,” and nobody expected COVID, or how that would fuck an entire fragile ecosystem already teetering on the verge of collapse. So, take moments to appreciate the beauty, good and simple things in your life: a sunny day, making an attempt at a genuine human connection, right some wrongs, reflect, and do so without depriving yourself any sense of joy or harboring self-judgment.
In my case, that is usually alleviated thanks to weed/cannabis. I genuinely feel bad for people who are unable to handle it, even non-psychosomatic CBD strains! All the baths and St. John’s Wort for you! Though recent research suggests that weed/cannabis might actually be killing antibiotic-resistant bacteria. So maybe weed/cannabis will save the world now after all, making me right about everything yet again (I sure hope I’m right about that part!).
The good news is that in the best worst case scenario, you just die and therefore don’t have to foot the gigantic medical bill. Preferably, painlessly while being released from any ancestral trauma. Here’s to hoping Universal Health Care becomes “a thing!” Is that good news or bad news? Not sure, but here’s a great reminder and easily one-click option to register to vote because access to basic needs, environmental regulation, and not living under a fascist ass hat is pretty helpful when you exercise rights fought by your grandparents.
If I don’t make it, just make sure to please immortalize me among the Great American Novelists — “a visionary and voice ahead of her times! Woefully under-recognized!” My Great American Novel will require a collective Easter egg hunt of everyone banding to solve the puzzle within years’ worth of stoned text messages and social media updates, requiring everyone to come together as friends and lovers to piece everything together. “Who is the notorious and elusive Weed Witch, anyway?” A true social experiment! Such a yenta move.
If that sounds like too much work, please consider my alternative running theory that Twitter is actually the modern Great American Novel, seeing as it is a never-ending hive mind consciousness filled with anxiety, depression, insecurity and countless zingers. Good vs evil! Liberals vs conservatives! COVID being the constant intersectional force of death trending topic that chooses indiscriminately. Writers wasting precious word count to a shared space occupied by a racist orange turd and profiteered by Jack Dorsey. Just awful. Where’s Groucho Marx* when you need him?
It will be a best seller, but unfortunately, I will not profit from it or enjoy the beautiful ego trip of recognition because I will be dead. Please donate all proceeds to the National Abortion Fund. In the meantime, sorry for being so morose—and I am beautiful!
Signed,
The Weed Witch
*Fun fact: my great aunt Sarah was the Marx brothers’ school teacher, as documented in two pages of their autobiography. This “The More You Know” tidbit was brought to you by enduring endless lectures and judgment courtesy of my Zionist aunt in order gain an account of my personal ancestral documentation, NOT ancestry dot com. #payme
Update From The Virtual Podium at the Front Lines in New York City
Seriously, what is the fucking point of living in New York City under a lockdown? Thank god for weed. Trust that I have been smelling it errywhere. The fact it’s not legal here is not only a travesty for medical users currently dealing with outrageous dispensary prices ($100 for oil/capsules and no flower! What a crock of shit!), but also: safe access to products and nature should be a human right. Good news: Andrew Cuomo and his nipple rings are pushing forth cannabis legalization despite COVID, which is great because some of us would rather have our spirits high if we’re all going down.
What the fuck, though? New York should be paying — nay! begging—everyone to stay. If you can’t even go out, loosely hate fucking everyone while secretly yearning for *true love*, do your hair and makeup, be a gigantic asshole and hit a car screaming, “I’m walkin’ ‘ere!” while trying to eat a bagel and coffee, buying up sample sales, tipping your bartenders and drag queens, trying to do spoken word or see if a comedy career will happen, eating around the world in 20 blocks, staging pizza crawls or crawling in dead of the night into a $1 slice shop with the pizza rats, giving it up and giving it all to the kids hustling for “Showtime!” on the train, being constantly annoyed at L.A. for being L.A. and living it the fuck up, then why in the fucking world would anyone be paying three times the taxes and above-market housing rates to be sequestered in this god forsaken shithole?
For real, though: get me the fuck outta here, and also fuck COVID, fuck Donald Trump, fuck Amazon, fuck quarantines*. (*I mean that in a metaphorical sense, not a literal. Please #staythefuckhome and listen to doctors/professionals/people working the front lines. Good lord, I worry about the loss of nuance in these desperate times).
USWitchly: Celebrities, They’re Just Like US!
The upside is that at least everyone has FOMO and social media has effectively how dull and unimaginative most of your favorite celebrities are without the veil of a 20-person creative crew building their brand for “exposure.” On the other hand: some bitches are really shining.
Round of applause to our beloved Grammie Slut Witch Elder Madonna for her latest quarantine style cover of “Let’s Go Eat Some Fried Fish” from the album Carly’s Impromptu Dishwashing Tunes Greatest Hits. Get Madge some MMJ stat!
Likewise, let’s give it up for America’s mom Ina Garten, who is finally letting her inner Sandra Lee out by showing the kids how to make a DIY Cosmo big enough to feed exactly one emotionally broken Real Housewife from any of the related franchises. Celebrities are terrified and drinking to cope with reality, too! Get Ina some wicked Masshole homegrown INA-dica stat!
NPR Viewer Drive Support/Jerry’s Kids
Hey, remember in 2014 when some fucker got $55,000 for a potato salad party on Kickstarter? Just over here slowing starting my $7/month Jerry Lewis fundraiser as a preemptive measure for the inevitable GoFundMe medical fund until everyone’s hiring freezes open up and I can stop begging. like it’s 1994-2002, 2004-2006, 2007-2009, 2011-2012, 2020 and beyond!
Will there ever be a life without struggle? Find out in the next edition of The Weed Witch when I bust out the Haggadah and make infused macaroons with the bitter herb while “Why?” over and over and over as I roast a three pound brisket for myself. Paid subscribers will get both recipes. Just decided that now. Get yr funnies and recipes while you can, kids! Who knows how long any of us are going to be here!
On Baths, Bubbles, Blunts and Moments of Zen
Per my original half-apology expressed many moons ago at the top of this newsletter, I have been delayed as a result of conducting a bit of some time traveling with my mind, body and soul. Time and self-care are both really relative when you have literally nowhere to go, but crucial if you want to maintain some semblance of normalcy. Recently, I wrote Therefore, I have provided some tips below:
The Weed Witch’s Self-Care Tips to a Semi-Charmed, Semi-Normal Life
Make your bed every day. It’s one small act you can count on to start the morning, and gives you finality when you tuck away at night.
Smoke weed every day. Bless you, Uncle Snoop. That should have been number one, but some of you are still weird about what constitutes a “healthy” approach to cannabis usage unless you have cancer or happen to be Seth Rogan. The good news is: no one has to know what you are doing in your goddamn house unless you advertise it, so I will start to cover effective ways to politely enjoy your cannabis without offending delicate sensibilities of your neighbors. If you’re lucky enough to have a choice of strain/dispensary options during these tough times ahead, I highly recommend switching to an indica-dominant so you can CHILL THE FUCK OUT. This is the expert opinion and diagnosis from someone who is a bath expert, certified weed astrologer, “lifestyle generalist,” what have you.
Plan meals. Meal prep is helpful for your budget and your brain. Fruits and vegetables! Don’t skimp on healthy grains. Start with a smoothie and sandwich. These are two super easy ways to ensure you get basic nutrients in. Fresh herbs are awesome. You might get bored of smoothies and sandwiches, so spend time looking up other folks who have creative ideas for the kitchen. I’m not even going to link to the amount of pandemic pantry-related blogs and articles out there because I’m genuinely just that salty about it.
Take baths. Soak ‘em if you’ve got ‘em. Maybe it’s the pisces witch in me, but submerging yourself in a beautiful bath with a joint, a snack, some candles and your favorite tunes/show is the best way to disconnect from the world for an hour and do something “just for you.” Seriously, you’ll emerge with a glow that will have you looking freshly fucked, which some of us desperately need but cannot have as a result of no-contact quarantine life. (Please enjoy your porn responsibly, folks, and make sure to keep those paws washed and moisturized!).
Start a journal. Scream out your thoughts there. The only person you have to worry about liking your own stuff is you. Some of it might even usable someday for those memoirs you always wanted write!
Call your friends. Don’t just text them. Make an effort. Schedule a phone date. Tell them hi. Ask how they are. Tell them they’re beautiful. Let them know of a funny memory. Send a photo of your pet. FaceTime them. Schedule Instagram dates. Make art. Be funny and creative.
Read a book. Buy them, too. Why not buy mine? It comes out in two weeks! Buy everyone else’s books! Buy them for friends! Do a lit exchange and start your own Oprah’s Book Club. Send your favorite books to itstheweedwitch@gmail.com and put in the subject line: My Favorite Shit To Read. CC your friends in case I forget.
Volunteer. Every community needs help and has always needed help. It feels good to help others! Send me all of your favorites!
Don’t beat yourself up. Want to take a day or week to do fuck all? IT’S OK. Protect your health, protect your immunity.
ASK A WEED WITCH
Have a question about cannabis, witch life, existentialism or nihilism, bathtubs, or whether reality is a construct? Have a cool story to share? Want to tell me about your favorite products, real life adventure, conspiracy theory, or psychic connection with ghosts manifested from your third eye? Send all your need-to-know questions to itstheweedwitch@gmail.com.