Consumption Lounge: Dry Mouth January Edition

Everything you didn’t know you needed this month

Hey everyone,

Writing to you from my new loveseat (!), where I am once again laying horizontal while tending to my compromised immune system afflicted with the common cold (Always wear a mask or stay home! Be one less sick person getting everyone else sick!). This is the time of year I usually direct everyone to my grandma’s chicken soup recipe, which is the real deal and cures all. I didn’t have the energy to make matzo balls this time, but I did have an edibles cheat: a drizzle of Pot d’Huile as a finishing oil. Done and done.

Should I have also been hitting hash dabs while I have a sinus infection bound to my sickbed? Probably not! Also: didn’t hurt? It’s not like I had anywhere to go for five days (Again, please be change in the world and stop spreading illness. It’s annoying). The ice water hash was obtained via a Denver maker that I met a few months back while on the rooftop at the Wythe Hotel. He had recently relocated to Brooklyn after getting recruited by a start-up facility in the Hudson Valley to impart his divine wisdom on the art of ganja as we usher in this new weed and wine renaissance on the East Coast.

I don’t frequently buy hash, so when I do, it always feels like a little treat (sometimes, a “Dutch Treat” specifically) that I can dip into time-to-time. Smoking it requires a dab rig, which is always a little to-do, so I dusted off my old Dr. Dabber Switch. It carries a hefty price tag of $374.95, but has served me well since I first got my hands on one in 2019 when I was reviewing cannabis products for Leafly and GQ (the latter of which now carries the saddest last remains of what used to be Pitchfork). The hash has a noticeably rich, deep caramel color that looks fresh and hits clean—as dabs do—allowing you to truly taste the natural, earthy flavors of each concentrate that were clearly made with love and precision. Not great for my inflamed sinuses, though I did appreciate the psychosomatic effects currently fueling this writing endeavor.

It’s the return of Dry Mouth January, a period marked by an overlap with Dry January, when those who are drying out from alcohol might start dabbling in weed only to realize they’ve suddenly ended up with a mouth as dry as the Sahara and an insatiable appetite for self-indulgent sensory exploration. Rest assured: if you order a case of this ginger seltzer from Whole Foods¹ , make the chocolate avocado pudding recipe I have after the jump, and drink copious amounts of water and herbal tea, you will be just fine.

I’m trying not to feel too sorry for myself because at least it’s not COVID and also I have heat, unlike the city of Portland, Oregon, that apparently hasn’t had power for about a week now. What’s going on with that? Are you okay, Portland? Please send us a signal if you’re OK. If anyone wants to do a dispatch from the Great Portland Power Outage of 2024, I would be honored to share your voice during this horrific historic moment where everyone is just trying to survive like pioneers narrowly avoiding dysentery and forging some chaotic flood on The Oregon Trail.

Aren’t you tired of getting knocked around by the elements? Can we just all get along and fix the planet now? I want to come hang out and have some iced tea on the veranda and go for a stoned walk in your neighborhood without a power outage, wildfire, tornado, hurricane, volcano explosion, random gunshot, or threat of global war scaring everyone all the time. Let’s say “No” to Walking Dead survivalist warfare and “Hell yes!” to easy, sustainable, and attainable luxury for 2024. I already planned my retirement as a Golden Girl as part of this plan, so I kind of need Boca to become a livable place again that isn’t absolutely insufferable or completely frozen over in July by the time I can make my safe, steady, slow, and beautiful organic return to the planet like so many Jews before me. That’s my birthday wish this year: world peace, green planet, more memories (and a better Boca).

Anyway, that’s obviously a lot of stress to hold in, so of course I’m going to treat myself. Which brings me back to the aforementioned love seat. After three years of sitting on the floor and months of looking, I finally found the perfect one during the holidays for the remarkable price of—I kid you not—$420. A loveseat big enough for two; conquered by one.

Just a woman and her loveseat, 2024.

I swear, sometimes a couch chooses you. If that number wasn’t a collect call from the universe telling me to get this loveseat, I don’t know what is. Purchasing it suddenly became part of my brand-new wellness lifestyle I was telling you all about and an existential dilemma: where do I see myself in five years with this couch? What journey are going on and who will I be then? Will I have sex on this loveseat? Why do I have so many pairs of shoes that I have nowhere to store or wear as I make space in my life for new things and new people? (Uh oh! Someone sounds like she’s in her late ‘30s!)

The idea of treating myself to a standard piece of furniture somehow became a prolonged test of endurance sitting in purgatory on this aging futon filled with bad energy from the previous owner flopped over sideways on the floor with no real backing, just wrecking my posture and craning my neck for hours on end, wondering if it was worth the investment to preserve my spine or if I was going to get shoved out onto the street again. That was a trauma piece of furniture. It needed to go. Like, yesterday.

Trying to find the right loveseat became such an undertaking. After all, moving is stressful and a massive trauma trigger, particularly for someone whose entire childhood trauma was packing up all our shit annually and relocating under constant chaos and duress, living out of a suitcase more than twice. I had to make sure it wasn’t going to cost an arm and a leg and required the least possible hassle getting into my apartment. The stairs here are very narrow, and so is the doorframe to the apartment, because it’s a 150-year-old building that probably consisted of two units per floor instead of four. I’m pretty sure my apartment is smaller than the others, but I don’t mind because I made it cozy and cute. This couch was signaling a new era in my life: the investment to literally uplift myself from the floor. How high did I want to go? And what are the dimensions of this personal growth?

Because I live in a very small room that I also work out of, the couch also becomes a business expense and office investment. It needed to be functional, stylish, but comfortable and sturdy; to fit in the room—not the other way around. It had to be under 55”, but just wide enough so that I can lay down and throw my feet over the side like I’m sitting in an Eames chair as I manically pound on the keyboard for 12 hours at a time, or with my back supported with just the right amount of plush firmness to feel held, even superficially. I needed to be realistic: it’s not going to be some vintage statement piece with a colorful backstory and inhabited with the lingering energy of an eccentric antique collector, free-spirited painter, or would-be bohemian. Someday, but not today. This loveseat needed to be ergonomic. But with character.

I limited my search to only vendors offering white glove service because I am almost 40 years old. None of my friends want to help move pieces of furniture that require taking up to 3 trains each way to secure a U-Haul that will undoubtedly be a pain in the ass to rent, figure out how to double park in front a police station and makeshift restaurant shed on a one lane, one-way street in West Village, then proceed to shove an unreasonably awkward piece of furniture up two narrow flights of stairs and through a door frame that can barely contain it, and making it inside to fit perfectly and carefully like a Jenga puzzle piece by what could only be the grace of a higher power. I will pay handsomely to not have to deal with this, just like many of the services I never considered needing, which is also how I finally gave in and started ordering laundry service pick-up rather than walking a half-mile with 20 pounds hunched over my back through the same neighborhood where Bradley Cooper gets regularly snapped by the paparazzi wearing the dumbest hat known to man² —even though laundry service costs so much money for the very same thing you do for free at your mom’s house.

Couches are investments that require confidence in your ability to commit to an emotional security piece of furniture that’s built to last. I wouldn’t buy one when I was unemployed, which is coincidentally why I have been suffering sitting on the floor the past three years. Originally, I settled on internet favorite Joybird, which has two different fold-out loveseats meeting the right specs in statement colors like chartreuse or teal that say “I’m quirky” or “I have character” or “I’m a stylish West Village weed witch shrouded in smoke, houseplants, and name brand couches.” The search for the couch soon became a whole interior design project, now considering the endless possibilities of removable wallpaper, upgraded storage options, and whether I should re-tile my floors. Yes, I was living in confines, but living remarkably well. No longer surviving, I was ready to thrive and this was an investment in mental and physical health: upgrading my New York pied-a-terre into something camera-ready for the editorial spread it will never receive.

Like most “how we met” stories, it happened when I least expected it. Finding this couch on JCPenney’s for $420 seemed to be too good to be true. Originally retailing for $1,050, the Dahra Sofa from Signature Design by Ashley Benchcraft had been knocked all the way down on deep discount with a bonus holiday discount because it was among the last. It had a tasteful midcentury design that was much sturdier looking than others I had seen, but still elegant with a timeless tweed fabric giving that “fucking on your psychiatrist’s couch³” look. I could really see myself writing some very imaginative books here.

I couldn’t have been more excited. This was it. I couldn’t make space fast enough. I was ready. The loveseat showed up, two hours late, delivered by one guy with a dolly who seemed to be confused that he was expected to move a giant loveseat up two flights of stairs even though this was the service I had paid for and prearranged, requiring me to help as he somehow managed to condescend to me, complain the whole time, not help me set up or take the other futon down, and still expected a tip. What a fucking schmuck.

At first, the loveseat seemed enormous and to take up so much space until one day it started to feel as though it had been there all along. I forgot what it was like to lay down and type on my own couch because it was the first time in four years, a remarkably unremarkable accomplishment that truly made me feel at home. Some people really take that sense of simple gratitude for granted. And here I am: enjoy the spoils as I rub my face raw with anti-viral tissues and a constant supply of tea.

I know this newsletter comes to you late, halfway through January at the beginning of Aquarius season as we move towards Valentine’s Day. But that’s OK because Aquarians sort of solitary weirdos. So if you didn’t follow-through with goals, resolution, or optimism, this is a nice opportunity to re-inspire yourself and start your journey off-the-beaten path, a little sync (while actually right on time, if you think about it).

Anyway, here are some ways you can upgrade your life this month:

Consumption Lounge: The Return of Dry Mouth January

Smoke ‘Em If You’ve Got ‘Em

• RAW Cone Cutters
  Do I hate the RAW branding and ultimately keep it in a decorative stash box? Yes. Do I think this is probably their most underrated product? Absolutely. If you’re the kind of smoker who doesn’t finish a whole joint or pre-roll, this handy gadget lets you snip off the burnt end bits for a clean, green hit every time.

• Pips by Grön Edibles
  These delicious melt-in-your-mouth chocolate candies are made with sustainably sourced ingredients like premium fair trade cacao and full spectrum cannabis—as it should be and you can taste the difference! Unfortunately, these aren’t currently available east of the Mississippi, but hoping to see more of these folks soon.

• oHHo CBD Repair Balm
  I can’t even begin to tell you how awesome this stuff is. I’ve used it to heal cuts, moisturize chapped skin and soothe inflammation. It’s a CBD 4:1 CBG ratio made with full-spectrum cannabis grown in New York with a blend of all natural St John’s Wort, peppermint and camphor. A little goes a very long way for $65, but you can get 10% off now using the code WEEDWITCH10 at check out.

• Let's Get Baked Chocolate Chip Cookie, 50mg Delta 8 by Kush Queen
  After getting the fourth person hooked on these chocolate chip cookies from Kush Queen, I realized I should probably get an affiliate link. These are hands down one of the best edibles you can get because it tastes like a legit good chocolate chip cookie that packs a punch. And, because it’s Delta 8, that also means you can get it sent to your house in the U.S. and U.K.! Dose responsibly!

• Carbon Lighter by Vessel
  Given that I make my own lighters, it seems counterintuitive to promote someone else’s. But Vessel makes this refillable butane lighter that has become my go-to. No more worrying about singeing your eyebrows or triggering an unfortunate acrylic nail blaze with precision control built into its inverted design with an angled flame port to use right side up or upside down.

Drinks of the Month

• Farmstead, 2018 Pinot Noir, Anderson Valley
  I feel like wine people have either become so spoiled that they’re bored or are too busy looking for—or to become—the next big thing that they forget about the simple, understated joy of Napa and Mendocino County wines. Good news: this is a pinot, not a cab, so you can still be “different.” More importantly, it’s consistent and exactly what you think is going to be in the bottle: a luscious, berry forward pinot that hits just right this time of year.

• Matthiasson 2021 Semillon, Napa Valley
  Speaking of Napa, I don’t think their Semillon get enough attention in the shadow of Cabernet, nor do I think people consider how good this white varietal is for winter. This isn’t a “refreshing white” for summer—it’s silky, plump, elegant, and prime for pairing with rich dishes you’re not likely to eat on a hot day. It’s also a good “treat yourself” wine, that I recommend taking your time with by getting a Coravin on Craigslist like I did that has totally changed my life.

• Kante, 2014 Malvasia Istriana, Friuli
  I had this not so long ago when I popped into Ruffian, a stalwart natural wine bar in the East Village. This wine screams “elegant Italian coast fantasy.” It makes me want to go on vacation, or at least mentally check out and pretend like I’m there in my mind for $35. Sweet and salty with soft peach and limestone minerality, this is just a really pretty wine that will surely impress you.

• Benmarl Winery, Seyval Blanc, Hudson Valley
  This is really a winery I think is worth visiting first (using my book, of course) for an afternoon of tasting to fall in love before making your impulse purchases, but they also ship if you contact them. Once again, this is another under-the-radar varietal in a region better known for Cab Franc and Riesling with notes of chamomile, green apple and lemon blossom that will have you dreaming of spring just around the corner.

• Pierre Sparr, Cremant d'Alsace Brut Reserve NV, Alsace
  If you like your wine like your personality (i.e. sparkling), this is a solid value-buy sparkling for under $20 that hits all the right notes of melon and minerality with low residual sugar.

• Abstinence Spirits Blood Orange Aperitif (alcohol-free)
  For those of you who want to keep your Dry January going, I discovered this excellent non-alcoholic aperitif at San Francisco’s DecantSF last year that is a dead ringer for Aperol and works wonders in inventive mocktails. It’s made with infusion of natural botanicals including cinchona bark and African wormwood, all spice, clove, blood orange, and spice distillate.

My So-Called Literary Algorithm

This month I subscribed to a bunch of new Substacks even though everyone’s latest post is “Should we stay on this Nazi platform?/I guess so since no one can afford a content migration”). The more you read, the more you know! Including…

I must hand it to Ruth Madievsky for having the foresight to create her own pet theory ahead of the launch of her book, All-Night Pharmacy only to fulfill the prophecy while getting extra stars on GoodReads. Since you probably missed this, it will be new to you and has a permanent shelf-life, just like her book.

Read: “Why Does Goodreads Have a Problem with Fiction by Women, About Women? Introducing the Madievsky Rule” by Ruth Madievsky at LitHub

You think you’re antisocial? Beatriz Flamini liked to be alone so much that she decided to live underground—and pursue a world record. She learned the experience truly consumes you in unexpected ways.

Read: “The Woman Who Spent 500 Days in Cave” by D.T. Max at New Yorker”

I know I haven’t done so much witch/astrology related writings of late (a massive failure for a newsletter called “The Weed Witch”), which is why you should follow Jeanna Kadlec’s Astrology for Writers that includes astrology, book deal spells, and creative spirituality for those moments demanding inspiration on how to manifest awesomeness.
Read: “the writer's week ahead: 1.21.24-1.27.24” by Jeanna Kadlec on Astrology for Writers

Are you drowning in books and totebags? Consider stealing this idea from Kimberly Harrington with a mystery tote giveaway on her Instagram that allows you to share your favorites you’re willing to part with and downsize that excessive totebag collection you most likely have.
Read: “A bundle of books and a tote bag!” by Kimberly Harrington on Honey Stay Super

Jami Attenberg’s 1000 words of summer is now a book and the prescriptive standard for ambitious writers looking to knock out that novel they’ve always dreamed of. Get the creative juices flowing with Sari Botton’s latest Prompt-o-Matic over at The Lit Lab.
Read: “The Prompt-O-Matic: #7” by Sari Botton at Memoir Mondays

Edibles magician Christina Wong whips up a frenzy dream of flavors and textures in one glass, transcended with the help of Lady J to remind you that cannabis edibles can be interesting, delicious, and inspiring all at once.
Read: “Ube Mango Jelly Boba” by Christina Wong at Fruit + Flower

Print reading list:

• “Death Valley” by Melissa Broder

• “Crying Alone in H-Mart” by Michelle Zauner

• “Family Lore” by Elizabeth Acevedo

• “Mexican Gothic” by Silvia Moreno-Garcia

• “Quietly Hostile” by Samatha Irby

• Above The Fold Issue 1 by Leah Mennies