Ugly Nighties in Sexy Positions
Brightening up the most unhinged time of year with a festive documentation of my worn-out holiday sleepwear
Hey everyone,
We’re halfway through the most unhinged holiday season we’ve seen in awhile. Also, Mercury Retrograde until January 1! Almost makes you miss the psychotic capitalistic rampages of people camped out overnight for an Xbox rather than walking through another chemical sanitation on 9th Street as people argue online over the “real” meaning of Hanukkah and if antisemitism a real thing. How bleak!
Anyway, all of this is to say that I feel dumber after two months of enduring the psychological torment of “The Conflict” and somehow not because of all the drugs I’ve been taking to cope with it. This year, I volunteered to make latkes—a tremendous undertaking for myself that requires a lot of self-motivation that I don’t currently have—and when I realized I no longer needed to, I gave into Trader Joe’s cauliflower pancakes. Somehow it didn’t feel like Hanukkah, even though I was making these “healthier” latkes that my grandmother would probably feel insulted that I purchased rather than ask her to make me them or use her recipe (paid subscribers get a copy of that below). I would probably buy them again, though. They’re a little zeitgeisty.
Because many people have adopted making these year-round, it no longer feels special to do it unless I feel the need to spiritually connect with my grandmother. I was never indignant enough to argue about whether or not non-traditional latkes counts as appropriation or bastadarization, but mostly reserved my heavy silent judgment* about whether or not they actually tasted good while smiling as to not hurt anyone’s feelings because I was raised in the Midwest.
(*The exception to that rule is Chef Michael Symon of Iron Chef and ABC's The Chew, who I told to his face that his latkes weren’t as good as my grandmother’s as he handed me a very nice parting gift of a Calphalon pan. Looking back, I probably should have just stuck to a polite white lie, but it’s hard when you have an authentic Jewish grandma and honoring the matriarch is a very real thing. I try to assure myself that he’s coping with his $6 million to $10 million net worth for his wounded ego).
Given that the holiday season is essentially the last spark of festive brightness before a quick descent into months of absolutely dismal weather and uninspiring root vegetables, I want this to be an uplifting newsletter about ugly holiday nighties in sexy positions. But before I do that, I need to plug this very cool toy drive happening in New York City at the local dispensary because I generally want them to succeed at giving kids holiday presents and proving that stoners aren’t shallow, self-absorbed, mentally checked out fuckwads. (Also, it was supposed to be part of the most recent Consumption Lounge, but truthfully I’ve been a little stoned and mentally checked this week, just kind of paying attention to myself until I realized this is today and I should probably mention it).
Anyway, please support this nice community endeavor for the holidays and brighten someone else’s day. Here are the details:
Dazed, the Black and Veteran owned cannabis brand leading the legal revolution as one of NYC’s only LEGAL dispensaries, and The Black Santa Company, founded by NBA All-Star Baron Davis to inspire the world through diverse characters and contemporary stories, team up for the Dazed x Black Santa Company Toy Drive Party at Dazed Union Square (33 Union Square West) Thursday, December 14 from 6-9 p.m.
Bring an unwrapped toy to the festive affair which features a custom Coquito Bar with spirits provided by Bumbu Rum, Villon Cognac and Belaire Rose, merch giveaways, and sounds by DJ Sarcastic. The best part? Black Santa will be in the building for the ultimate holiday photo opportunity. YES - it’s a real character, you don’t want to miss this content capture! (Ed. note: I didn’t write this part, but I’ll probably take a photo with him).
On a mission to give back and build community, the Dazed x Black Santa Company Toy Drive aims to make a difference for the local community in need this holiday season with a toy donation to one of The Black Santa Company charitable partners the Think Watts Foundation. In addition to the toys, Dazed is making a donation to support the Think Watts Foundation to support their community grassroots activations. Co-founder Keshawn Warner grew up in the Woodrow Wilson projects in East Harlem, so giving back to the local community is really important to the Dazed team and this is a great opportunity to get involved!
Can’t make it? Dazed will be hosting the drive for a week, where people can drop off toys anytime from 8 a.m. to 12 a.m. until December 21. I, for one, will be bringing a Slinky and copy of MadLibs because I think all children can benefit from the gift of imagination.
On a personal note, I’d like to add that I love participating in/amplifying holiday toy drives as someone who grew up dependent on them and helping to box up gifts for other kids. Giving back and pitching in with a variety of charities, be it helping out at the kitchen at God’s Love We Deliver, mentoring kids through 826NYC, or delivering packages to seniors through Dorot USA, always feels good to do something meaningful and productive in a world where maybe you feel like you don’t have a lot of control over bad things happening or need to renew your sense of optimism.
If you can spare extra time and resources this holiday season, please try to show up where you can aside from just throwing money at organizations. This is how we build communities: being present and there for each other.
OK now I’m going to talk about the ugly nighties in sexy positions:
Ugly Nighties in Sexy Positions
It had become a bit of annual holiday tradition for my grandmother to gift me the ugliest pajamas on the market. I don’t really remember when that tradition began exactly, until one day I noticed that I had somehow accumulated a collection of pajamas that were kind of abnormal. Mainly, because I was informed by other people.
“What are you wearing?” my friends would ask me, as I strolled into the college dining hall hungover. I looked just like the rest of them, except that my pajamas that made me look like I was hospitalized with clinical depression while theirs looked like they had braces and played soccer in high school. They called me Carly Scandalous.
Even though the oversized mumus were ugly, they were also kind of sexy in a certain light. After all, there was only a thin veil between my naked body and the rest of the dining hall. I wasn’t hiding behind slob behavior like wearing sweatpants a little too long or a lazy hoodie permanently affixed to ones’ body that smells a bit rank; I was wearing an article of clothing clearly reserved for the bedroom. And without any shame. Just blissful, hungover ignorance.
On one hand, I wouldn’t ever want to receive sexy lingerie from my grandmother (my mom did that once, among her lengthy list of unhinged parenting that surely seemed like reasonable idea in her mind, gifting me a lingerie set that I opened in front of my boyfriend at the time who felt thoroughly offended and embarrassed even more than I could conjure for myself). By comparison, my grandmother’s cozy pajamas didn’t seem unreasonable, just a little infantilizing.
On the other hand, they were genuinely so ugly that it felt like a bad omen coming from a household with two generations of spinsters. Is this my familial cult uniform for a future life of comfortable loneliness and escaping the male gaze? Even my mom started getting in on the tradition. Soon, my drawers were overflowing with hideous nighties that I couldn’t stop wearing night after night. Yet, throwing them out felt weirdly transgressive.
I would chalk up all the nighties as a perk from my grandma’s part-time job that she picked up at Carson Pirie Scott and Macy’s working in the lingerie department long after she retired and should have theoretically stopped working—except that she was giving me the nighties even before she picked up those jobs. It was just her “thing.” They were all remarkably soft and comfortable, and part of her nightly routine of watching 60 Minutes and the evening news, then falling asleep with the paper on her lap somewhere along the way. I wore them habitually until I eventually wore them out and retired them unceremoniously to the trash can.
About 13 years ago, I started documenting them—something I thought about as I sat in my bed resisting the urge to post a video on my Instagram stories wearing my panda print pajamas. I realized I hadn’t documented my ugly nighties in sexy positions for awhile, and went back to the annals of my memories to dig them up on Facebook, the true social media historian of my college years during a more earnest time on the internet before Facebook had walls or conspiracy theorists or people finally realized I’ve been Jewish this whole time.
Because my grandma passed away summer of last year and shortly thereafter, I stopped speaking to my mom (as an ultimatum to get mental help for her schizophrenia), the holidays have felt a little numb the past couple of years. It dawned on me that I’m never going to get ugly nighties again unless I buy them for myself or start a nonprofit holiday drive to bring comfortable nighties to the masses (actually not a bad idea—everyone deserves a comfortable sleep), so I mostly just wear the three remaining ugly nighties I have among a heavy rotation of oversized novelty shirts like a Metallica tour shirt, Carmela Soprano fan shirt, a commemorative shirt from Zabar’s, and “I can dish it, but I can’t take it” shirt from Four & Twenty Blackbirds. I have more nighties than I really need, making me an ugly nightie hoarder now. What does that say about me?
Nonetheless, I wear them pretty often. Some of these nighties have traveled with me all over the world! Oh, if these nighties could talk, the stories they'd tell! Well, here's an insider view into the wonderful world of ugly nighties. Since there are 8 nights of Hanukkah, I figure I’ll keep it consistent and show my top 8.
8 Ugly Nighties in Sexy Positions from 2010
Nightie 1: This is a nightie intended for summertime. It is sleeveless, cotton, polkadot and slightly stained with coffee. It's probably one of the lesser ugly nighties I have. It kind of reminds me those basketball jerseys you'd have to wear in junior high in gym class.
Nightie 2: My grandma must be picking up on hipster trends as these pants are colorful skinny leggings. I thought the bear on the shirt was wearing a strip of bacon, but I guess it's a towel or scarf. I've arranged the arms in a model pose to give it some character. Apparently, this nightie also has a coffee stain.
Nightie 3: This is a purple nightie several sizes too large for me, almost mumu-ish. It is A stars and moons nightie, but not THE stars and moons nightie. I like wearing this one when it's really hot, but it's pretty cozy in winter, too. The bottom is slightly lifted to give this a little more sex appeal. Some nighties are bigger than others!
Nightie 4: This is probably the ugliest nightie. The arms are placed around the hips to give it some attitude. It might have lavender snowmen, but damn it, it's warm and soft! I tend to wear these secretly and when it's really cold outside. Also, there's totally a coffee stain on the sleeve.
Nightie 5: This is a moons-specific nightie. The infamous stars and moons nightie is similar, but not quite. This is a long-sleeved nightie that is slightly too big. It was supposed to serve as a replacement to the stars and moons nightie, but, I mean, come on, I can't throw that out. This nightie is often my go-to nightie for when I'm stuck in bed and real sad and know no one is going to come visit me or buy me OJ. So pretty much my past month.
Nightie 6: This nightie is a Christmas inspiration nightie. I'm not sure why grandma rolled with red this year, but the hundreds of "inspire" words are really motivating. There are no coffee stains on this one, but one time, when I was visiting Lou in Oakland, I put this nightie on the radiator to warm it up before I put it on and it started smoking and burning on the radiator. The back of the nightie is permanently starched for this reason.
Nightie 7: THE STARS AND MOONS NIGHTIE a.k.a. Elder Nightie a.k.a. Carly Scandalous. This is a very special nightie. It had a sister "Zodiac Stars and Moons" nightie, which was unfortunately lost somewhere in Europe circa 2006, along with a bunch of other shit I had to get rid of last minute. This nightie would make regular appearances in the dining hall of my dormitory on weekends during brunch. Most students would come down in sweatpants and their ratty shirts, but I wore what I wore to bed. One morning, someone asked me why I wore the nightie without pants down to breakfast. Some people just don't fucking get it, seriously.
Nightie 8: This nightie is the shit. It's a Garfield nightie that my mom actually gave me which is probably as old as I am. My only complaint is that it is polyester and gets really hot when I sleep. In college, I tried to see if I could sport this as an evening fashion statement with some jeans, but it just was too progressive for 2004. I love Garfield. No coffee stains.
MORE FROM PIPE DREAMS BY THE WEED WITCH
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Back To The Future: The Best Drugs To Magically Escape The Holidays
A Hanukkah Dispatch From the East Village to the Borscht Belt, with Love
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